Life does not have a magic button; a moment when everything is sorted out and perfect.

Life is a constant work in progress and no one moment will ever change it all for the better. Lots of collective moments slowly turn it around for the better if you concentrate and display discipline with awareness.

As much as we all wish there was a person, time or place that made the epiphany occur; as much as we might hope for an instant solution to all our problems; as much as we might kid ourselves that one day we will work it all out and then draw a line underneath our past dilemmas and insecurities, this is not the case - it never has been and it never will be.

If you are looking for a magic button to press to take away all your problems and issues then you are looking for the wrong thing - you should be looking at yourself, and then you should be looking at what you have been told, and then you should be honest about the lies you believed and you should work on finding a sensible, logical and practical solution.

If you think that someone else will fix your problems - you are wrong.

If you think marriage will guarantee someone by your side for the rest of your life - you might be right but you won’t necessarily want them there.

If you think that having a baby will provide you with unconditional love - you need to work on yourself before you force your wishes and desires onto an innocent child.

If you think God will answer your prayers - you are going to be waiting for a long time and only when you die will you realize that you should have answered your own prayers by being proactive and disciplined.

If you think money will make you happy - you should work on your health as well; for financial wealth without physical or mental health is useless.

If you think there will be a moment when clarity strikes without warning - you should begin working at that right now which only goes to show that nothing comes without some dedication to the cause and most surprises are quite obvious if you think about it.

If you think that you can stop working on who you are or how you behave - you better be prepared for some disappointment.

There is a common misconception, a widely held belief, a ridiculous dream which permeates society that seems to spread the illusion that a moment will change everything for the better - whether it is the healthy diet, the Second Coming of Christ, the lottery win or the marriage that will miraculously eradicate life’s problems - real life seems to be put on hold by most people whilst waiting for the moment of salvation… a moment that will never come.

Life is a work in progress.

Love is a constant work of art.

Health is a lifestyle.

Money is a privilege.

Religion is a lie.

If you realize that your health is your most important asset, then you would work at it constantly, you would do something for yourself everyday, you would eat properly, liquidate regularly and exercise consistently. Fad diets and inconsistent exercise regimes do not keep you fit and healthy. Health is not something that can be acquired by taking pills or drinking shakes, it does not come in a bottle, it comes from discipline and logic - physical health is a lifestyle.

If you work hard to be physically fit and agile you assist yourself in being mentally content and able; mental health is essential for your well-being, for your day to day existence, for your happiness - if you are able to think clearly, to use your critical faculty, to be open to other opportunities, then you enable yourself broader and more interesting possibilities and you create better and more varied consequences that will enhance your life and your longevity - mental health is a lifestyle.

If you are financially healthy, you offer yourself a better lifestyle without the need to be ridiculously wealthy; if you think before you buy, if you stop the impulse purchases and the desire to keep up with the Jones’s then you are able to exist with more freedom and less constraints, you are likely to truly enjoy yourself and your partners whilst also being able to have what you need not just what everyone else has - financial health is a daily decision.

If you think that marriage is the answer to all your dating problems then you need to think again. Once you are married, the dating really begins, once you have kids the effort needs to be multiplied and the need to work at your relationship is magnified. Marriage is not the magic button that fixes your relationship issues, it is the box that displays the true issues you have refused to confront - marriage is unnecessary.

If you are waiting for God to fix your problems then you are existing in a fantasy, you are deflecting your issues onto an imaginary friend and you are refusing to stand up to be counted. If you praise God for your successes then you have to blame God for your failures which means you are not taking responsibility for anything you do. If you will not take responsibility for your actions then you will never fix your problems, and nor will God - religion is a control mechanism, it is a fantasy, a divisive lie.

Being unhealthy, either physically or emotionally or mentally is due to a lack of discipline; it is due to the fact that you are not confronting your problems and dealing with the truth; it is because you are not working consistently to overcome the day to day hardships of life, you are hiding from the truth and you are shrouding your issues in denial. There is no magic button for health - only diligence and maintenance and awareness.

Being financially poor is due to impracticality and a belief that you deserve more than you can afford. There is no need to be poor if you make sound financial decisions. Do not buy too much, do not breed if you cannot afford to, do not over-extend yourself financially. Financial weakness leads to anxiety which leads to health issues. There is no magic button for money - only sensible choices and a realistic outlook on the future.

Being reliant upon marriage for validation and self-worth is indicative of society controlling your life; there is no love, trust or belief in marriage because if there was there would be no need for marriage in the first place. If marriage is your excuse for breeding, then do not breed with someone in wedlock that you would not breed with out of wedlock. Marriage is not a guarantee, it is hard work. There is no magic button for good relationships - only self esteem, self awareness and objectivity.

If God is your guide, then try re-designing your compass and try living your life for yourself without the need to offload everything on someone or something else. Try being responsible for once - you might find it extremely liberating and you might release yourself from the ineptitude of religion, from the weakness of depending on a fantasy, from the inability to grow up. There is no magic button for a good life - only balance, boundaries, logic, reality and the truth displayed before you everyday.

If you are waiting for a magic moment to alter the path your life is on; if you are pinning your hopes onto a fantasy; if you are hoping that someone else will fix your life and take away your problems, then you are doomed to be unhappy, you are bound to be distressed and you are certainly not trying to sort yourself out over time, all the time, as you should be.

Forget the magic button - do the hard work for yourself, on yourself.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

It would be wise if we were a little more critical in relation to the boundaries that we were set (and by which most of us continue to live). It would be beneficial if we reset or re-arranged these boundaries to be more applicable to real life.

I think it is fair to say that there are fundamental mistakes we have all made with regards to boundaries in our relationships, and sometimes, despite the fact that we know better, we still go against our better judgment. Other times, we have no better judgment and the whole thing is a disaster.

To that end, I am going ot offer up some simple relationship boundary pointers that should help.

1. Know yourself - know (without worrying what other people think) what you are prepared to accept, and what you are not prepared to accept. Do not go by the rules of society or the agenda of your past, go by the feelings you have in your gut, go with the flow and accept the situation for what it truly is, and who you truly are. (Just because other people like football doesn’t mean you have to, and just because you like S&M doesn’t mean they have to). So, KNOW YOURSELF, and make sure that you are with like-minded people. This is a good start.

2. Be aware - take the time to understand who you are; spend time alone with silence all around in order that you can work through the way you act, the way you react, the words you say, the thoughts you think. This will make you more aware of who you are, what you like, what you can cope with and what you should avoid. Listen to yourself, be honest with yourself and learn to accept your own individuality. Be aware of others and how they behave, look at them with clarity, be objective as to how they fit into your world and maintain those boundaries accordingly. It is ridiculous to trust everyone, just as it is useless to trust nobody. Awareness comes from self-analysis and objective analysis, from experience and careful evaluation of the truth you see, not the fairy tale you might wish for.

3. If they ask, be economical with the truth - too often when we begin a new relationship, we offer up too much information about ourselves, our past, our habits, our likes and our dislikes. Limit this tendency, especially if you are a girl. Most of our initial attraction to someone is chemistry (not the words they say), and most of the time we end up becoming less attracted to someone because of the the words they say. It is wise not to give up everything about yourself, allow the other person to make their own opinions about you. Be a little less boundless and a little more mysterious. Many times, people ask us a question and rather than giving a general answer we will go into a full depth discussion (with ourselves) which gives a detailed description that is totally irrelevant and unnecessary in the big scheme of things or to the person we are talking at. It is important to make a point, but it is imperative not to labor the point, smash it about with a bat and then forget what the point was in the first place. It is okay to be enthusiastic, just don’t become a jumping jelly bean of energy that exhausts the listener (because they’ll stop listening). Of course, be forthright with your opinions on fundamentally important parts of your life, but please do not discuss your family’s feuding, your ex, or even the scabies you caught from your brother as a kid - it is too much, and it is damaging to your profile because you are only offering one side of the story (your side) and we all know that there are three sides to every story (his side, her side and the truth). My point is this - allow yourself to come across with your actions as much as with your words; it is that simple, that complicated, that easy.

4. Promises, Promises - if it involves someone else, don’t make a promise. I know this sounds radical, but it is a good guide to live by if you can get over the initial shock of challenging your fairy tale ideals. You see, promises are such difficult parts of a relationship (things like ‘I promise to love you forever’ or ‘I promise we can go snowboarding ‘) because you are involving your partner, and what happens if it doesn’t work out the way you expected and then you have to try to live up to your promise? My advice (for what it’s worth) is to only make a promise that involves you, yourself and you, because then at least you have more than half a chance of making it work out the way you want it to. For example, ‘I promise to be there tonight.’ This is a promise you can keep, most other promises that involve someone else, the ones we make in the heat of the moment, are unrealistic, overly hopeful and usually fail to measure up to our best intentions and consequently end up causing us unnecessary grief anyway. Therefore, don’t make promises that involve other people. This makes life a lot simpler and keeps the relationship realistic.

Try to live within boundaries that are based on your own, truthful perspective of life (not the perspective you were force fed as a child), and try to be realistic with these boundaries - just as you wouldn’t try to run a marathon unless you actually enjoyed running, so you should not try to do things that do not suit you as a person. If you draw up boundaries in your mind that seem to make sense to you, and you live within those boundaries, then you will know when you can afford to expand them once you have come to understand them and once you are more comfortable with them. It might be a slow process, but if you start from a solid and workable foundation then you will be able to grow from that starting point in a realistic manner and you will then know who and what works for you in your relationships.

The same applies with your family - it is perfectly acceptable to set up boundaries with your family, to make it clear that certain situations don’t work for you and that you wish to avoid them. It is important to be able to express yourself clearly and to stand by the courage of your convictions despite your family’s wishes and desires. We are all made to feel so guilty if we do not get along with our parents (for example), but acquiescing to their wishes is a common phenomenon that we should be able to confront, parental control has become a terrible hindrance to society and has stagnated many an individual in a negative way.

Step away from other people’s boundaries and create new ones that suit you. Be who you want to be, not the person everyone else thinks you should be.

Apply these four principles to your life and you will find yourself far happier because you will be in control of your own destiny rather than being guided by your past, your upbringing and your oh-so misguided society.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

My basic philosophy is surprisingly simple, yet it seems to be very tough for most people to implement even if they do agree with the concept, the ideal and the overall common sense of the following statement.

My basic philosophy - we do not need to be married to be in a great relationship and we do not need to be married to be a great parent.

I wrote Marriage & How To Avoid It because I do not like divorce and the effects it has on children and their parents’ behavior. If there is no marriage, there is no divorce - prevention is always better than cure.

I encourage people to look at the truth, to see the alternative, to find another option. It seems to me that marriage is a flawed institution and that we would all be better off if we went into our relationships realistically, if we all accepted change and then worked with that change rather than trying to prevent change from ever occurring. By constantly battling against the inevitable, we end up fighting the wrong war; when we should be learning to go with the flow, we are taught to stand our ground and ignore the truth. I wish this would change.

I hope that, one day, parents will begin to teach their children an efficient method of living rather than breeding their own insecurities into their offspring; rather than divorcees encouraging their children to get married, perhaps these parents should preach an alternative, perhaps they should use their own experience to help their children; this is surely preferable to pretending it never happened or that it will be different for the next generation (even though we know it won’t).

I am aware that most women believe marriage is essential if they are to breed; they think it shows a level of commitment in a man; they may even say, “If he won’t marry me, then I won’t breed with him!”

To this style of thinking, I always reply, “If you won’t breed with him out of wedlock, then don’t breed with him in wedlock”. Why? Because marriage does not make him a good father; being married is no guarantee of a support system, especially if a divorce occurs in which case you have destroyed yourself by failing and you will probably destroy your children before, during and after the divorce. As a woman, you have to know that the man you want to breed with wants to be a father, above all else - you are not choosing a husband for your child, you are choosing a father, a dad, a man who will be there no matter what, a parent who realizes that the child is the most important thing in his life, your life, and now in your relationship.

If this same woman then replies, “But what if he changes? What if he leaves me? I want to have some kind of come back…” I would have to say that she has played into my hands; this is my point, relationships evolve and end, people move on, and if a woman thinks that a divorce is a guarantee of future income and support, then she is sorely mistaken. The divorce courts are stacked full of ex-husbands who tie their ex-wives up in expensive court cases just to prove a point because he can afford to and they know she cannot. So, rather than giving up on their own income stream, I encourage women to maintain their own sense of independence and achievement, to sustain themselves mentally, physically and financially - it will have a multi-fold effect; it will make her more attractive and more confident which will allow her to make her own decisions and will empower her in all areas of her life, love and relationships; added to this it will make her partner less likely to stray as he will feel the need and the urge to keep her in his life because he will maintain his respect and love for her due to her strength and independence.

We all know that relationships go wrong, whether they be a marriage or something less institutionalized or rigid, humans have a tendency to move on from one another after a certain period of time despite our best intentions, it is our nature, and as much as we all wish it was different, it just is the way it is. We have tried for generations and centuries to nurture the human spirit to be loyal, loving and faithful, we have tried to control our nature and over-ride our very real need for change by setting out rules and regulations that have been broken from the very start by Kings and commoners, Queens and their subjects alike. Of course, once in a while, there are those that find a life long love, but these loves do not come easily and they require both parties to stick it out through the unavoidable bad times, to evolve together, to stubbornly maintain a relationship that will, no doubt, at times, feel like a sinking ship. Unfortunately, most of the time, in most relationships, one party or the other jumps ship, the relationship disintegrates and both parties move on.

I always point out that making a promise when someone else is required for half of that promise is a promise that should not be made and cannot be guaranteed - marriage is such a promise, and we all know the outcome is too often unacceptable; even if the marriage survives this does not mean it was a success.

Now, I encourage us all to seek the exceptional relationship, to aim for excellence; I hope that we can all find that type of love, but I also warn you not to expect it, I urge you to let go of the agenda of society that spells out the love-marriage-children scenario, and I want you to step away from the stepping stones your parents laid out before you and realize that marriage is a promise between two people that is riddled with doubt and fear; marriage is, by its very existence, based on mistrust - if there was any love, trust or belief in marriage then there would be no need for marriage in the first place - so, rather than trying to achieve the perfect relationship that is agenda based and impractical, why not look for a relationship that allows for change, for the natural evolution of another person, that is malleable, accepting and above all respectful, a relationship based on reality, and an exchange of love that sees the truth so that when the subject of children arises, the matter of marriage is left to the side?

When we have the ability to let something go, to allow freedom, then we often find that our relaxed and accepting attitude allows for a great situation to arise - it is always the deal we can walk away from that we seem to get - those that cling too hard to an ideal or snatch too much at the things they want often find themselves on the wrong side of life without any foundation to support them or any real quality to sustain them.

If a woman was taught that she is perfectly capable without a man, if she was given the emotional and practical tools and the self-believing support to maintain a degree of achievement and independence outside of her children and her relationship, then she would not feel the need to be married should she wish to breed; at present we have created a world that seems to encourage a woman to give up her own existence in favor of becoming a mother, which then has two basic effects - it makes her a dependent, dependent upon a man for her welfare, and it makes her a burden, a burden to her husband, a responsibility that often loses its shine and becomes an unattractive asset. I am aware that this may seem and sound extremely cruel, but it is a fact that cannot be avoided - if a woman loses herself in a marriage, if she becomes dependent, she automatically becomes a burden, she is likely to no longer interest her husband as she did when she was a strong, upstanding individual that he had to impress, court and seek out.

Marriage is sold as a good deal for a woman, she is led to believe that if she finds the right husband then all of her troubles will be over, that she will have an idyllic life of child-rearing and home-making where she becomes impermeable to the onset of trouble or strife. Unfortunately, this is not what usually happens; before long, complacency sets in and either the hard working husband feels unappreciated and seeks love elsewhere or the wife wanders off in search of affection, not to mention the all too common disintegration of communication that makes the whole situation even less palatable which leaves the marriage in disarray and the children as the victims.

If marriage was sold as what it truly is - an unnecessary piece of bureaucracy - then we might find that women felt more empowered, more able to survive with or without a man, more restrained and careful when breeding so that the children born were well-considered-individuals rather than ego-boosts or marriage-repair-kits that were left on the sidelines when the ‘bigger picture’ took over; a woman does not need a man to survive, ideally she raises her child with a father-figure, in a perfect world she would choose a man with whom she could raise a child and maintain a loving and respectful relationship, but none of this requires marriage, it requires common sense, reality and truthfulness, it requires some sense of self restraint and self awareness, it requires an adult who understands how life is and does not live in the hope that it will be as we wish it was.

If the world existed without marriage, then we would have to make decisions based on reality, on the possibility of the unforeseen, on the chance of something not working out as we might hope; and if this was the case, then the choices we made, the decisions we executed, the conclusions we reached and the lives we lived would all be far less complicated, far less presumptuous, far less fatuous, far less riddled with disappointment, far less likely to backfire, far more realistic, far more truthful, far more manageable, far more possible, far more enjoyable and far more successful.

That’s my basic philosophy.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

Agility beats rigidity every time.

Being agile allows you to adapt to the changes that life inevitably throws your way. Being rigid creates a small-minded, inflexible human that will constantly be fighting the tides of life, a human that will find itself in a constant state of tension and anxiety because rigid thinking does not allow for change, rigid thinking only allows for disappointment and irritation.

Be agile. Have the ability to adapt and change. Be prepared for the unexpected. Be aware of the natural changes that occur in life and in love. Be able to handle the truth, no matter how unpleasant that truth may be; for if you can handle the truth, then you can avoid the common pitfalls, mistakes and pain that so many others endure.

Your mind and body should be fit and healthy. Do not get stuck in a rut or stop working on yourself - just because you are older does not mean you are wiser, there is always something new to learn, always something of interest to experience; most people just repeat the same erroneous patterns of behavior and then wonder why their knee hurts or their heart aches.

Being agile means being adaptable, being able to contend with change. Whether we like it or not, change is inevitable; whether we accept it or not, change is essential; whether we choose to enjoy it or not, change is the only thing that keeps us alive. If we are rigid in our ideals, rigid in our existence, or rigid in our physical realm, then change will not be an easy lesson to deal with and we are then prone to living an anxious and painful life constantly fighting a losing battle against an ever changing world.

Mental agility allows us to deal with life’s small and large daily issues with more ease and acceptance. If we are mentally flexible, then we can confront the day to day problems in a more relaxed fashion, we are able to ‘go with the flow’ and to glide more fluidly through the ups and downs that come our way, we are less likely to be thrown off balance by life because we are more prepared for the little annoyances that come our way, we are able to control our sometimes irrational irritability and we are able to take action more stealthily because we are more in synch with reality rather than being rigidly bound to an idealistic view of life. Agility of the mind is a constant work in progress, but it is the ultimate tool for our mental peace and stability.

Physical agility allows us to deal with injury, age and life in general. Being physically fit assists us in being mentally healthy and happy. Being physically fit enables us to achieve more in our day to day life. Being physically fit means that we are more likely to ‘get up and do’ rather than ’sit down and moan’. Physical fitness and health are essential ingredients for mental stability. Being physically active means that we let off steam in an appropriate way, it means that we reduce our need for pills, doctors, hospitals and other time wasting, money burning annoyances that we could all do without. Walking is important, as are weight lifting and stretching; yoga is great for your flexibility and your mental calm; variation creates a strong core which allows for more movement more easily. Agility of the body is a constant work in progress, but it is an essential part of aging gracefully and living peacefully, effectively and happily.

Being agile means we are less fragile, we are more flexible and therefore more capable, we are more adaptable and therefore we are likely to be more successful in all aspects of our existence.

If we are rigid either mentally or physically it means that we are unprepared for anything other than what we wish for, we are living life as we wish it was, not as it is and we are therefore struggling with the truth, struggling to maintain an ideological course, struggling against what really is, struggling to fight our way through the battlefield of life whilst wearing blinkers that delete the wider perspective and we then deny ourselves the opportunity to be objective.

Agility is garnered from an objective standpoint, agility comes from being aware, agility is borne of self discipline, agility thrives in an open mind or active body, agility requires constant attention to detail, agility involves the ability to adapt, agility demands balance, agility is a wisdom that defies the norm and upholds the truth at all costs.

Be agile.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

It seems that we are all looking for love, that we would all like to find someone to love who would love us in return, someone that we could enjoy spending time with, someone who respected us, made us feel good, understood our wants and needs, enacted those wants and needs, and stayed with us for the rest of our lives.

I have no problem with any of the above, in fact, I encourage it, wholeheartedly, with one comment.

If that person stays with us for the rest of our life, we are going to have to work at our love, and we are going to have to work very hard. If we fail to work at it, then we might be looking for love from someone else - which may or may not be a good thing.

Love is an ever-changing emotion, it is not exactly a science and it is certainly hard to quantify, it has to be flexible and it will, without doubt, go through a myriad of stages which will include passion, desire, respect, happiness, companionship, certainty, predictability, uncertainty, stability, change, change and change.

Our ability to accept change is the only way that love can really last, our acceptance of the change within our lives and our loves is the only certainty I can offer.

If we are too rigid or too controlling, then love will not last, love with wither and love will fade. That is a certainty as well.

It is imperative that love is consistent, yet never predictable.

And with this reminder, I encourage you to seek out love with an open, agile and disciplined mind, I encourage you to realize that you are the most important thing in your world, that you must be sure of who you are and where you stand on certain issues, you must look at all sides of life and see love from their point of view as well.

It is no good storming into a relationship with a rigid agenda and expecting your partner to adhere to all your rules, just as it is unwise to hope that the person you are with will know exactly what you want and will give it to you at the exact time you want it.

It is important to have boundaries, goals and desires without being too controlling about each of these; if you have an agenda that includes traditional values, it is wise to balance those ideals with reality, it may be necessary to see that love has to be as flexible and as unconditional as possible if it going to work; there needs to be a modicum of reality in the equation if you are going to find successful love - it is important to realize the value of what you have without falling for the pressure of society and finding yourself on a path that may ruin your love for the sake of appeasing everyone else or achieving the childhood fantasies you were sold. It is important to accept another person’s opinion and ideas without changing your mind at every available opportunity because you are scared of losing them.

Love is, above all a personal journey and should not be sacrificed to prove a point or adhere to the ideals of others.

Ultimately, unless you know who you are, unless you have worked on yourself, unless you have made the effort to confront your bad temper, your drinking habits, your over-zealous energy, your laziness or your hygiene and health, you are not going to be very easy to love and you are not going to find love very easily.

So, in order to find love, confront yourself, work on yourself and allow yourself to change and grow with or without a relationship. Nobody else will make you a better person, nobody else will fix you, nobody else will make your life perfect; they may well enhance your life, they may well bring added enjoyment, they may well be a positive addition, but they won’t last long if you have not worked on yourself and they won’t stay around if you do not work to improve who you are throughout your life.

Love - a continuous work of art.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

Listen up.

A word of warning.

If you ignore your body’s messages, if you ignore your gut instinct, if you ignore the truth, then you will always find yourself in a place of angst, fear and worry, surrounded by discomfort, disenchantment and dishonesty.

Your body will always tell you the truth. It will initially warn you that something is wrong, then it will persistently tell you, then it will scream. Listen to your body. Do not be stubborn or ignorant, react to your body’s signals.

Your gut instinct will always tell you the truth as well. It will instantly let you know that something is right… or wrong. Listen to your gut instinct. Do not allow your head or your heart to misguide you. React according to your gut instinct.

Your body reacts to poor diet and poor management (it may take a while, but it will react in the end) - if you eat poorly, if you skip out on goodness for cheap and processed flavor then you will not provide yourself with the necessary nutrition required to maintain healthy organs, skin, vision, teeth and hair; if you are lazy, if you exercise infrequently and choose the path of least resistance too often, you will simply burden yourself with a weak foundation and a multitude of problems later on down the line; if you choose to ignore this truth you will one day be confronted with pain and discomfort without the ability to reverse the process of deterioration you have facilitated by being lazy in the past (even when you knew it was wrong) - taking the short cuts will not serve you well in the end, it will only serve up a plateful of discomfort.

Your gut instinct is there for good reason; it is there to assist you in making the right decisions despite the ‘miseducation’ you are constantly fed - if you ignore your gut instinct and try to fit your life into the fairy tale box that you were sold as a child whilst denying the truth that smacks you in the face, you will only find yourself disappointed and disillusioned, unable to understand why life and love keep serving up a tasteless and poisonous meal; if you are constantly looking for the happily-ever-after with someone else, without understanding the value of discipline and self-achievement, you will only ever see change that you are unable to cope with or embrace, and until you understand that change is the one thing that keeps you alive, you will not find any form of peace and you will never enjoy the journey.

Our over-riding instinct is lifeward; our gut instinct wants us to survive, in tact and in the best way possible; our body and soul are designed to help us succeed in everything we do. So we should listen.

Listen to your body, be gentle but firm, exercise regularly and eat healthily, do not succumb to the weakness of so many and find yourself popping pills and visiting Doctors that only ever cover up the true issue and never really encourage you to be the best that you could possibly be, do not ignore that inner voice that berates you every time you sit your butt down on the sofa to watch another useless TV show when you know you should be taking a walk. Listen to the truth that your body tells you. Listen.

Listen to your gut instinct, be observant and aware, know that you do not lie to yourself if you listen, but understand that second-guessing your instinct is a recipe for self-annoyance instead of self-growth or the building of self-esteem. If you ignore your gut instinct you will most certainly pay the price.

We all say that hindsight is 20/20, we all have the ability to look back and see where we went wrong, but the truth is that we should have listened to our gut instinct in the first place, if we hit the rewind button on any situation we will see that our gut instinct was telling us the truth and it was our choice in that moment to ignore or listen. Listen.

It is always easy to eat the tasty food, it is not so easy to find the nutritionally advantageous meal, making the effort to eat well will benefit us in the long run; just as it is easier to be around people than it is to be alone, but until you spend time alone you will not ever know who you truly are or what you truly need or perhaps even deserve.

Eating the bad stuff only leads to an uncomfortable life, whereas eating healthily and exercising sensibly will lengthen your lifespan and make that life more enjoyable and active; being around people because you cannot bear to be alone only leads to a list of bad relationships that feel like a waste of time rather than a series of loves that feel like a good time, a growing experience, a lesson learned and enjoyed.

You may well choose to ignore these words, you may well opt for the easy life based on poor nutrition and desperate relationships - it is after all what you have been ‘miseducated’ into doing. On the other hand, you could listen, you could be pro-active, you could decide to learn and grow and flourish with the changes that life will inevitably throw your way and in so doing you will have a healthy and active life filled with worthwhile and active loves.

I hope you listen… to me, and to your inner self.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

Most of the decisions people make are for the euphoria of the moment with little regard for the end result.

Most of the issues people have in their lives are a direct consequence of their own actions.

Most of the time, people refuse to accept responsibility for their actions.

Most of life is complicated by instant gratification.

Whether it’s clothes, cars or children, the instant appeal is the final downfall of a life - the over-spending on clothes and other accessories that leads to financial anguish, the over-priced car that ends up being a financial black hole, the over-indulged baby that turns into a nightmare teenager - most of the time it is the “cute” pair of expensive shoes, the “cool” sports car or the “adorable baby” that people go for, forgetting that the shoes will soon be relegated to the back of the closet, that the vehicle will become yesterday’s news tomorrow, that the child will occupy every spare moment of a life to the point where every aspect of that life will (in some way) be ruled by the offspring.

It would be wise to look at the end result of everything, to see beyond the initial desire or the instant euphoria we might feel; it would be intelligent to consider all the options before jumping head first into a purchase - is this new handbag going to cause me to worry about my bills next month? Is my car going to depreciate too rapidly until it becomes a liability? Is this child going to stretch me both emotionally and financially to breaking point.

Far be it from me to kill off your fun, far be it from me to inhibit your desire for quality, far be it from me to discourage you from being a great and loving parent. I simply want to give you a heads up, a reality check, a truth serum.

Before you buy that expensive jacket, before you invest your hard earned cash in a vehicle with 4 wheels, leather seats and air conditioning, before dedicating your life to another human being, remember that these things are simply clothes, cars and children, and at the risk of sounding callous, they are all commonplace, they are all subjective and they are all readily available at different times in your life.

A word of advice - think before you act, go through the process in your mind, consider the end result.

If that expensive necklace is going to be a financial worry, then consider waiting until you can easily afford it; ask yourself how many other necklaces you have, think about whether you really ‘need’ it or whether it is just going to be another item that you soon forget about, a trinket that quickly becomes relegated to the bottom of the box, that only takes up space and actually means very little in the long run - if you are going to buy another item to wear, make sure it is classic, classy and stylish, be sure that you see some kind of longevity in the purchase, and if you don’t, then buy a cheaper version or use what you already have, even tailor what you have to be more stylish (now there’s an idea). Think about the end result.

If the car you ‘really, really’ want is impractical, then be honest with yourself about it - don’t kid yourself that it is going to be just fine when deep down you know that it’s going to cost you a fortune to insure and service, that the slightest mishap will misshape your financial life and consequently upset your sleep patterns; no car is worth worrying about, no car is so amazing that it should mess up your day to day existence, and no car is ever going to make up for the home you live in - before you buy a car, make sure that your home is appropriate and that your home makes you happy; don’t try to hide a poor living situation behind a vehicle which is basically a tin box with wheels. Of course, if you can afford it, then have a cool car, buy a car that makes you happy, but make sure it’s a car that won’t ultimately cause you annoyance or irritation. Think about the end result.

If a child is your ultimate goal, ask yourself why you want to be a parent; if it’s a way of finding unconditional love then you need to wait, you need to work on who you are, you need to confront your own demons before offloading them on a baby; if it’s because you want a mini-me, then you should go buy a handbag; and if you flatly refuse to adopt under any circumstances then you should never breed because all you are looking for is an ego boost and that’s not fair to the child or the world. A child is an enormous responsibility, a child is all consuming, a child is a financial disaster and an environmental one as well, a child will push you to the limits of your patience, a child will radically and irreparably change your existence - don’t get me wrong here, this could be a good thing… if you have thought about what you are truly letting yourself in for; you are not having a baby, you are creating a life that will concern you for the rest of your life both emotionally and financially; you will want to do the best you can for your child (I hope) and that will require accepting that child for what it is, not for what you want it to be - a child is not an easy lesson, it is a lifelong responsibility that will not necessarily get easier with time. If you feel you are ready to breed then consider all the aspects of your life that will change, accept that you are dedicating much of who you are to another being’s existence and think about the end result.

If marriage is on your mind, if conditional love is your goal, then consider the truth - consider that change is a natural and unavoidable part of life, consider that infidelity is a probability, consider that children will radically alter your dynamic, consider that you might one day no longer love your partner the way you do now (and they may no longer love you in the same way either), consider that divorce will ruin your children and consider that as much as you may wish to deny each of these things, they are common place problems faced by all married couples. Think about your dating life so far, think about the relationships you have had and lost and remember the initial euphoria you might have felt that slowly died, think about that lucky escape or that devastating loss, think about it and consider that these things may happen in your marriage, for life is full of change and marriage is riddled with divorce - do you need this marriage to control someone? If not, then why are you getting married? Why the hurry? If it’s because you want to breed, then consider this - if you won’t breed with someone unless you are married, you should not breed with them even if you are married - in this case you should be choosing a mother or a father (someone who wants to be a parent), not a husband or a wife. If you deny that change may damage your marriage then you are denying the truth, if you accept it then you are seeing the truth. Whichever you choose to do, think about the truth and think about the end result.

If you have problems with your health then there is no point blaming outside forces, it all comes from within; consider your diet and your exercise regime, consider your sleep patterns and your responsibilities; if you suffer from an illness that you take medication for, look at the possibilities of changing your habits, don’t just blame it on luck (or the lack of); you are what you eat and you will be what you do, the pills are just a cover up for the real issue. If you are over weight, look at yourself in the mirror and decide to do something good for your self esteem, your heart and your life; work out, eat well and seek advice that will enhance your day to day existence. Discipline is essential when it comes to health, it is important to exercise regularly and to eat healthily, to know what you are eating and to be aware of your own body. Before you exercise, think about your current health situation and exercise accordingly; before you eat, think about your weight, your heart, your energy and your overall health. Whatever you decide to do, whatever you decide to eat, think about the end result.

We should always enjoy the journey, but we should also realize that one rushed decision that does not take into account the end result may well ruin that journey - I am not trying to be a kill joy here, but I am trying to instill a sense of responsibility into that journey, to instill a sense of calm into the decision making processes we go through, to allow you to see the end result so that the journey is less fraught with worry, anguish or pain. If we see where a decision might lead us, we are then more able to enjoy and endure the decision we make, if we never consider the end result and we are simply looking for something to make us feel better instantly, then we will always be disappointed, unprepared and let down by the actual events that occur, events we might have foreseen had we thought a little farther along the line.

If we all decided to look a little further ahead, if we all decided to be honest with ourselves, if we all decided to see what was there instead of looking for an idyllic lie, if we all considered the end result then we might be more capable of handling change and of handling life, of creating a journey to enjoy rather than always looking for the instant-gratification-conclusion that never comes.

Most people learn very little in their lives; some people learn from their mistakes; a genius learns from the mistakes of others.

Be a genius. See the end result.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

We are forced into a life process by our childhood, forced to live by the processed views of others. We are so processed into thinking like others that we seem to become unable to process our own thoughts without reverting back to the ‘miseducation’ of those who were processed before us, those that have failed to grasp the truth and have now rammed their processed, idealistic and shallow views into our life.

Let us not be like them, let us begin to process what we see (not what we were taught), process what we truly hear (not what we were told), process what actually happens (not what we wish would happen) and try to live by that - the truth.

Remember that anything processed is not natural, anything processed is held to a standard that does not allow for nature or for the truth to take it’s course. Anything processed is basically a lie, anything processed is a lesser version of reality, anything processed is ultimately fake; our lives are riddled with fake, from the fairy tales we are told to the food we eat, it is all designed to hide the truth, all designed to cover up the real process we should be going through.

What we should go through and what we want to go through are far from similar; and both of these are complicated by what other people want us to go through - we would all prefer the easy life, the processed life where we hide behind a fantasy and strive to reach an idealistic happily-ever-after without actually working on who we are, it would be so great if we could meet someone and they made us feel amazing and that was it forevermore, but if we aim to choose that path then we are worse off for it, a fake version of a human, an incomplete and weak person, another failed individual.

Until we learn to confront who we are, until we learn to deal with the ups and downs of our emotional state, until we learn true self-discipline, until we learn to process those hurdles that life throws in our way, until we grow up and take responsibility for every aspect of our existence, we will always be unable to deal with the truth, to deal with reality - and the more we try to avoid it, the more difficult it will be to deal with when it arises… and it will arise, that I assure you.

It may be a difficult process but it is important that we confront and work through the reality of life if we are to be an individual who thinks freely and openly and wisely; it may be easy to follow the herd, to follow the stepping stones that our parents or culture laid out before us, but it is also the best way to end up bored, frustrated, miserable and half-baked, a human who offers nothing new, who simply occupies space and has no real purpose, a waste of time.

Until we learn to process the pain in life head on, until we decide to actually confront that pain and deal with it in an honest and level-headed way, until we see that everything we allow into our life is our responsibility we will never be able to find peace of mind, we will always struggle within our relationships and we will always let ourselves and our lovers down.

Denial is no place to live.

The process of accepting the truth is not easy, of understanding that life is tough, of seeing that relationships do not have a happily-ever-after (they are a continuous work of art), that love is something to be worked on constantly, that living with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have, that somebody else will not miraculously make you a better person, that being alone does not have to be lonely, that ultimately you have to understand who you are before you can be comfortable, that outside objects do not make you truly happy, that other people should only be in your life if they add positively to it (family included), that independence is strength, that confidence is attractive… All of this is a long, drawn out raw process and it only comes from dealing head on with life, by accepting that life is unpredictable and continual, and no amount of denial will make it any better.

Avoiding the truth, avoiding the real effects and consequences, hiding behind processed methods that other people use to cope, taking drugs to get through life, all of these things are not the best ways to be the best you can be, they are the worst ways to be less than you should be.

If we know what we will have to deal with, if we are told the truth, if we are made aware that life is a marathon, that relationships cannot be conducted at the speed of a hundred meter sprint, if we learn to process the truth by confronting who we are, by improving who we are, by working on who we are rather than hoping to find a quick fix solution or an outdated fairy tale version of life, then we have a far better chance of enduring the journey and of succeeding in finding a positive outcome.

And so, here I am telling you the truth. I am warning you that life is tough if you live it properly, life is hard if you decide to stand up for yourself, life is challenging if you choose your own path, life is not going to be easy all the time - being an individual never is, it requires making uncomfortable decisions, it involves walking away from the negative (and seemingly familiar) and staying close to the positive (and often challenging), it means stepping away from the processed and sugar coated life and accepting the raw and natural truth. As unpleasant as this may (sometimes) be, it will be worth it. I promise.

Being your own person is the ultimate gift. Give it to yourself.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

Most of the world’s failures, most of our relationship issues, most of our personal problems come from one thing, from only seeing one thing, from only being taught one thing, from completely believing that one thing and from refusing to see anything else. Most of what we are taught is from one point of view, most of what we believe is from one standpoint, most of what we stand up for is one side of an argument.

We fail to see the other side of the argument, we fail to see that there are always other ways to look at things, to deal with things, to resolve things. We are so set in our ways, so brainwashed, so ‘miseducated’, so unbelievably one-track-minded that we are constantly battling against anyone else who does not see things from that one ‘miseducational’ vantage point.

Whether it’s our nation, our religion, our marital situation, our children or our own destination, we are set on a path, stuck on that path and we cannot accept anything other than that, and even if we open up our eyes and see something else, it is wrong.

Our national identity is so ingrained in us as children by our parents, our teachers and our governments that it is viewed as tyrannical to point out the inconsistencies with which we, as a nation, are erring on the side of wrong; it is viewed as ‘unpatriotic’ to point out that the USA breaks the Geneva Convention, the Kyoto Protocol and a myriad of other international laws to serve our purpose, yet the moment another nation does the same thing, we cry foul; and whilst we try to stop every other nation on the planet who we regard as an enemy from having nuclear weapons, let it not be forgotten that this United States of America is the only nation to ever use an atomic bomb against our enemies in violent retribution. Whilst we point the finger at other nations for ‘brainwashing’ their children with religious doctrines, let it not be forgotten that the majority of schools in the USA begin their day with a recital of the slightly deranged, nationalistic, one-sided and Christian-istic Pledge of Allegiance. Imagine how the rest of the world must feel…

Our religious doctrines have so deeply scarred us that we are unable to see that all religions preach the same basic message of love and goodness, yet every religion scorns other religions, and brutal, sadistic wars are fought over semantics, ideas, false prophesies and imaginary rights that have nothing to do with goodness at all. Religious preachers and followers pick their religion and then blindly fight their corner with words of division or wars of anger, yet do not see that even their sworn enemies only want the same outcome, the same happy ending, the same universal truth - peace. Imagine what it must be like to look at your religion from their point of view…

Our desperation to rush to the altar of wedlock has overcome our common sense, it has swept aside our ability to see the failures all around us, the failures we have endured and allowed, the small-mindedness with which we make life long promises with another erratic human whilst knowing that we cannot even cope with the same car for five years before wanting to make a change. We are ‘miseducated’ into a marital state of mind and we refuse to see the options and alternatives that lay before us even when they are presented to us in a fair-minded and logical way. Imagine how much more fluid life would be if we looked at the alternatives…

Our children become the barometer by which we measure our own success, the focus of our lives, the meaning for our existence; yet we fail to see that we have little care for anyone else’s children whilst assuming that our child’s achievements are important to everyone else; we fail to see the irony with which we promote our own offspring whilst disregarding the offspring of others; this pathetic self-aggrandizement is further ridiculed when we find out that one in ten children born are calling the wrong person “Daddy” yet their “Daddy” is obsessive in his rearing of this particular ‘offspring’… until he finds out the truth (if indeed he does find out that truth). Imagine what it’s like to listen to another parent as they talk about their kid; that’s how they feel about yours…

Our own lives are so important that we will step on others, allow animals to be cruelly tortured and accept virtual slave labor in a foreign land so long as we get a good deal, a cheap meal, a steal. And that is what it is - stealing. A deal should be profitable for everyone involved, fair to those who partake, acceptable to all parties; if we paid a little more attention to our own whims we might be prepared to pay a little more for what we buy in order that nobody is being downtrodden and we might realize that we have far more than we need anyway, all of which only goes towards our blinkered view of who we are to others. Imagine the way you think about others; that’s the way they think about you…

Somehow, at sometime, it should be realized that there is always a consequence to an action, that there is always another side to an argument, that there are always other ways to look at life, love and situations. If we learn to be more broad-minded rather than totally one-track-minded we might come to see that aggressively following one nation’s progress at the expense of other nations is prejudiced, that fighting for one religion at a cost to others beliefs is not a form of progress, that seeing marriage as the only validation will probably lead to messed up kids and a nasty divorce, that forcing your child to do what you want it to do as an attempt to process your own limitations and promote your child’s ’success’ is the worst way to raise a balanced or free thinking adult, that only seeing things from your point of view is the best way to fail in life and in love.

All in all, it is about time that we looked around us, that we stopped seeing things from one point of view, that we opened up our minds to various outlooks and outcomes, that we refused to be driven into ignorance by what we were told as children or sold as adults, that we finally made decisions based on all possible scenarios with all possible outcomes and that we viewed the world from a wider perspective than the one that most of us have been railroaded into.

If we opened up our minds to a more varied viewpoint, then we would make decisions within and without our relationships that were based on the best possible information, we would be less defensive and more accepting, less aggressive and more flexible, less controlling and more caring, less conditional and more likely to actually succeed as humans, as lovers and as individuals.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com

As much as we may all wish there was a clear answer to everything, there isn’t; nothing in life is black and white; it’s grey, a something in between that needs to be navigated carefully, sensibly and truthfully.

Much of what we are told conforms to rigid ideals and philosophies, lies that are delivered in the form of fairy tales, stories that are pure fantasy, and validations that are actually quite impossible.

Most of what we wish for or desire, the majority of goals we aim to attain, are someone else’s idea, someone else’s ideal, and without their initial prodding we would probably never have fallen into their trap; the trap of black and white, the trap that appears to have a simple answer, the trap that will hold us down in fear and ignorance for the duration of our lives.

From the belief that God is omnipotent to the idea that the President is a good man to the hope that marriage will fulfill our destiny to the thought that a child will provide unconditional love to the wish that a dog or a cat will take away the loneliness to the illusion that someone else will make our lives better to the dogmatic and childish ideas of good and evil; life is never that simple, it is never that clear cut and it is never black and white.

If God is omnipotent then she’s not using that omnipotence very wisely, if he gave us free will then he should stop performing miracles and if it wants to answer a prayer then why not answer the one about world peace instead of the one about something selfish and small-minded that the delusional Evangelist in New England wanted? The President may seem to be a good man, but sadly, politics requires a certain amount of back-stabbing and self-aggrandizement which questions the notion of how ‘good’ any President can be, he did, after all rise to the top of a heap of unappealing individuals. If marriage is our destiny, then why are there so many divorces? If you unfortunately happened to choose the wrong person (like so many other fools), then perhaps marriage was not the destiny you should have sought. If a child provides unconditional love, then explain the teenagers who detest their parents or the adults that throw their ailing parents into homes before they die, surely these unconditionally loving adults should provide hands on care for the parents that gave so much. If a dog or a cat can relieve us of loneliness then we really are pretty sad, very cruel, extremely small-minded and incredibly backward - who is the master of their animal when they pick up that animal’s feces? If someone else will make our lives better then are we sure that we can make theirs better too or are we just a taker who has little or nothing to offer because we cannot even stand to be with ourself? If you are a jihadist in Afghanistan then the USA is the Great Satan that enters your land, disrespects your customs and controls your infra-structure - who is the evil one now? Like I said, life is grey.

My point is this - there is always another side to the story, there is always another way to look at something, there is always an alternative, an option or an outcome that was not initially thought through, and so, rather than trying to always come to conclusions, rather than always trying to get to the finish line and make sure we have all the boxes checked, it would be wise to maintain a sense of fluidity, a type of flexibility, an ability to go with the flow, roll with the punches and adapt to the environment as it changes; for no matter how much we wish it wasn’t so, we always have to confront change. Change is not always clear. Nor is life. It is grey.

We are sold rigid ideals that adhere to rigid philosophies, we are made to feel that we are wrong if we do not follow the herd, we are an outcast if we do not conform to the society we occupy, we are scorned for thinking outside the box, we are frowned upon for acting differently, we are laughed at for dressing a certain way and we are even imprisoned for not following the black and white agenda of others even when those same people cannot uphold the rules and regulations they impose and profess to adhere to.

Learning to overcome our childhood ‘miseducation’, deciding to stand up against all that we were taught, choosing to veer off the path that others tread, wanting to make our own life based on our own decisions that suit our own existence is not an easy thing to do. Most of us are confronted with family and friends, societies and governments that scorn the free thinker, that ridicule the individual, that make every effort to keep us ‘in our place’ so that we do not upset the status quo, so that we follow their doctrines and fulfill their desires even if they have failed miserably at their own strongly held and violently preached ideals. It is a strong person indeed who has the presence and intelligence to actually see the truth without becoming deeply depressed, it is a powerful mind that can process the truth and then live by that truth, it is an individual who can balance societies wishes with their own unique dreams. It is not easy to be different, but it is essential if we are to be significant.

If we follow the black and white, if we follow the ’stepping stones’ of society, if we fulfill the desires of those that went before us, if we attempt to make up for the mistakes of others, then we are simply living a life already lived, we are only repeating the patterns of the past, we are then rendered insignificant because we are unable to allow our imagination to flow, we did not make use of our own particular skill set, we refused to stand up and be counted, to be an individual. If we follow the black and the white, then we fail.

It is not easy to accept that relationships are never black and white, it is hard to traverse the desires of someone else with the designs we might have for them, it is difficult to accept that our lovers have secrets and that our partners need to remain as individuals so that we can still find respect for them, it is not easy to think of raising a child with someone we have not locked into matrimony. We are complicated animals with complicated emotions, we have complicated needs and wants with complicated outcomes; and this is why living with grey is so important, this is why trying to make life long decisions is ridiculous, this is why looking for the black and the white is so dangerous; it is important to know that we can achieve anything if we put our mind to it, it is important to break the boundaries, it is important to remember the importance of change and to accept change as not only being unavoidable but also as being the best way to grow; and by accepting change as inevitable we allow ourselves the ability to be prepared to adapt and to overcome that change without being surprised by it, without being floored by the continual surprises that life will bring. Making rules in relationships is counter-productive, making decisions that are inflexible is a recipe for pain and shame, but making your mind up to accept the changes and working to advance from those changes is a step towards unconditional love, and as hard as it may be, unconditional love is very, very grey.

I am aware that I often talk of nations, religions, occupations and other variations when I refer to relationships, and I do this with a purpose; I intend to open your mind to the overall picture, to the wider perspective of life. There is no point in only dealing with personal relationships when talking of love or commitment, of fear or infidelity; it is helpful to see that we, as individuals, should always be aware of the grand scheme of things when making personal decisions, we should always be able to critique the way of the world when trying to clarify our own particular place in that world, and we should always be able to see the balanced approach not just the self-centered extremes that we are prone to search for. We should always see the black and the white but we should always try to settle in the grey so that we have considered all the options, seen all sides of an argument and yet we still manage to live with the most flexible decision, the fairest outcome, the best solution.

Remember that life should be an adventure, remember that life (without fail) should be a challenge, remember that life will offer up opportunities that we can choose to take (but which we most often choose to ignore or avoid), remember that living your parents life all over again is not an achievement (and even living the life of someone else is still a failure), remember that most of what you were told was a ‘miseducation’ designed to keep you on ‘the path’, remember that you alone have the ability to make yourself different, that you alone have the chance to excel, that you alone are the one who makes you happy, that you alone are the catalyst for your own dreams and that you alone can walk away from the black and the white and can relish life in the grey.

Guy Blews - www.RealisticRelationships.com